[Tear]

Tear-The Sweet stench of chicken is always good.I dont have any gold,but if im sure my old childhood friend know by Agee is filthy rich from his mom.To bad mines died.*her tiger cub runs off in a directin*Mayor-Tear,go get down there,there is a problem over someones land.

At The Problem Place

Tear-YOU GUYS ARE FIGHTING OVER ONE ! FOOT OF DIRT>Person 1-Its mines and he has no right stepping his foot on it.Person 2-Its mine,my shovel is on it.Tear-You know what.*takes a patch of grass and throws it on the dirt.There,its nobodys land.Now go on and get a life.*sighs*People fight over the littlist things.angel-Long time no see warrior.Tear-(Not this girl)My rival from the arena.Come to challenge me in one on one as usualAngel-Yeah,you stole the number 1 spot from me.Tear-Meet in the Gorge.

At The Gorge

Angel-*comes out and shadows and charges and slashes her sword at Tear.Tear-*rolls out of the way*Always was the tpye to sneak and attack.Tear-*takes out her blade*Angel-It alwasy work.Tear-*dropkicks her*Angel-*jumps back out and throw knifes at tear.Tear-*runs up and wall and rollkick Angel on the rocky terrain.Angel-Arghhh.Tear-*has a smirk on her mouth*Angel-Punches Tear in the water and jumps in with her*Tear-*wrestles Angel underwater.*Angel-*Kicks Tears back making her go deeper in the water.Angel-*jumps out*I knew it would end like that*Tear-*burst out high in the air and water forms around her sword and she sends a huge tsunami at Angel.Tear-Want More.....

[FableFreak]

Umm, yeah, try less *action sequences* and more "action dialogue". Don't transiton between characters using their names constantly. An example...

Tear stared at Angel with a smirk on her face. Suddenly Angel lurches forward and punches Tear in the face knocking her back into the water; Angel leaps forward and pounces on Tear like a wild animal.

Don't ask if we want more, because I could say "yes" but then I would be lying, because it needs some work. Other than the awkward formatting its free from too many grammatical or spelling errors. That may have sounded harsh but let me say this, I'm a harsh kind of guy and if you keep on writing stories I'll most likely be one of your toughest critics because, needless to say, I have high standards. Anyway, keep writing because its a good skill to have and it keeps your brain from going stale (stay creative!!!)...

[Tear]

ITs been a month sence i came on here so i basically forgot stuff.School has me writing almost every day every whole day.I write stories in my free time and that stuff.I base them off certain things.This wasnt one of my best so i expected something like that.

[FableFreak]

Don't get discouraged, stay the course and keep writing. You'll only get better and don't take my criticism too harshly.