Teresa's side of the story.

[Vegeta]

Chapter 1.
Teresa’s side.

The world was still young and people still lived by old traditions.
Kids ran around in fields got into some trouble helped there parents farm. Most people were just regular hard-working people… Except for one family. This family was different, they weren’t just some “Farm people.” The mom was a warrior, She fought battles and was a Hero. She could take out 20 balverines with no problem. The dad wasn’t much of a warrior but he saved the mom from death. The children knew nothing about this… They were hidden from the past, until that one day…

It was a Sunday evening on the sister’s birthday, not to much different then any other day. When Teresa wrote in her diary as she always does. “I had another dream… I can’t quite remember what happened oh well, Its my birthday today! Mother is coming home I hope my brother hasn’t forgot about my birthday again…” After I finished my diary I went down to the store to see if they were opened… but they weren’t, typical of a Sunday evening… I went up the hill in Oakvale and saw this kid getting bullied… I tried to stop him but he just pushed me out of the way… so I went down to the field to play and think until it was time for mother to come home.

“Hello sister!” said Hijia (Teresa’s brother)
“Hello little brother, I hope you haven’t forgotten abut my birthday like last
year…”
“ Umm… I haven’t umm… I’ll be right back.”
I knew he forgotten he usually does… Oh well nothing will spoil this day! I started to walk out of the field when I saw my brother coming back.
“I told you I didn’t forget about your birthday!”
“Ha, Oh well lets go home, mother will be back soon.”
My brother starts to walk towards the exit and before he walks out I feel as if something’s wrong…
“Wait!”
“Huh?” Hijia says.
(Random guy)…”BANDITS!” *Pants loudly running towards the field*
“Oh no!” I say remembering my dream in horror.
“It’s happening again you must hide!” My brother jumps the fence and hides in a bush.
“Got one!” yells a bandit as another person is cut in the background.

I struggle but it’s no use the bandits grip is to tight…

“Where is the kid little girl?” I looked up at this horrible looking man.. His face was so scarry and ugly I wanted to puke…
“What are YOU staring at little girl!” Then I felt the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life… He cut out my eyes.
“AHHHH!!!” he then threw me to the ground and left…
I crawled for I don’t know how long until I finally was picked up by someone…
“Ah look at this one… aint she so cute.” Hahahaha!
“Put me down!” I screamed and kicked at him until he finally put me down…
“Little girl… we just saved your life…”
“Wh.. Where is my brother!?”
“What… Oh must have been one killed in the raid.
“Who are you!?”
“I am the best bandit you will never see hahaha!”
“Please help me!”
“Quit your belly aching we’ll get you to the camp in no time…”
When we got to the camp I heard hundreds of noises… I’ve never heard so many sounds at once… I heard fire crackling people gulping down beer, talking, clanking of two swords touching, tents being set up and more… When we finally stopped I felt like I had a better power than being able to see… I was able to hear and smell so good… I thought I knew what everything was…
“Eh boss.”
“Wha.. Oh you found another survivor of the raid?”
“Yeah this one is missing her eyes though Hahaha!!!
Then I hear a clean slice and then I smelled blood… I’m pretty sure he just cut off that bandits head…


Sounds a little dumb, Might even suck... sorry if it does.. Im gonna make the story from teresa's view the hole story...

[FableFreak]

Warning! Person speaking their mind ahead! Do not view if you can't handle it!

Warning, this is a spoiler!

Truthfully, its nothing special. A few grammatical and spelling errors, and it didn't exactly follow the storyline perfectly.

Out of 10:

Probably a 5, fix a few things and it could be a good 7 or 7 1/2.

[droded]

Well to be honest, you have quite a good idea, but the spelling errors overwhelmed me...

For instance you even Misspelled Theresa.

[Kave]

Well its just spelling, its the story that counts

[droded]

Originally Posted by Kave

Well its just spelling, its the story that counts

Well there are quite a few extreme grammatical errors as well. For instance he went back and forth from 3rd person to 1st person.

I have taken some time to redo the first part of it to show how it should be laid out.

Warning, this is a spoiler!

The world was young and people were living with old traditions.
Children ran around in fields, got into trouble and helped their parents with the farming. All of Albion was filled with regular hard-working people.
But one family stood out; these were no ordinary farmers.
The Mother of this family was a legendary warrior. She had fought in many battles and was renowned as a Hero. A pack of Balverines was no match for her.
The Father however, was not much of a warrior. But this simple peasant had saved the mighty Scarlet Robe’s life.
They bore two children, and told them nothing of their past. They were hidden from their Destiny, until one day…

It was just a typical Sunday evening, the Daughter’s birthday.
She was named Theresa, and she had kept a diary which she wrote in every day:


“Dear Diary,

I had the same nightmare last night, you know the one I’ve been having for the last few days. Well my Birthday is finally here and nothing bad has happened so far. I hope my brother hasn’t forgotten to get me a present like last year.

Theresa”

I think that's what you should do in the future, make it a bunch of Diary entries.

[Kave]

Yeah thats actually alot better, but he is away right now at school

[Hexadecimal]

while I feel spelling and grammar are important to any piece of writing, I agree with Kave that far more important is the story itself... even droded's edit contained errors... the only thing to do is to simply spend more time writing and gain practice at it, same way you improve at anything...
as for the story itself, it wasn't bad for an introduction, but perhaps some more descriptions could be given and a bit more detail when you get to the body of the story if you continue it.

[droded]

Originally Posted by Hexadecimal

even droded's edit contained errors...

Yeah sorry about those. For some reason when I pasted it in it just did it in a huge bunch.

[Hexadecimal]

Originally Posted by droded

Yeah sorry about those. For some reason when I pasted it in it just did it in a huge bunch.

I don't know what you mean... when you pasted it the words changed?

[droded]

No just the grammar and paragraphs etc. I only changed the odd word you must remember.

And if you don't buy that I'm foreign and can't speak English.

[Hexadecimal]

Originally Posted by droded

No just the grammar and paragraphs etc. I only changed the odd word you must remember.

And if you don't buy that I'm foreign and can't speak English.

I'm one of the few Canadians on these forums... you're all foreign...
and for someone who grew up in America and goes to an English school you're certainly getting along rather well for one who can't speak the language

[droded]

I am Malaysian.

[Hexadecimal]

Originally Posted by droded

I am Malaysian.

to be honest someone professing in English that they can't speak English is more than a little weird...

anyhoo... back on to the topic of the story... which droded must not have been able to read... I was kind of wondering when I was playing Fable if there was ever any hints or anything that their mother was a hero... like how anyone could be that blind about their own mother... perhaps you could touch on that a bit in your story?

[Kave]

No, you live in malaysia go to school in england was borin in america, u look american

[fablefreak323]

well, i for one thought the begining of the story was great and I'd like to hear more. +rep btw.