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The Final Breath (good story)
Old 10-25-2007, 07:34 AM   #1
Ravager_X
Reaper
The Final Breath (good story)

It was mid-afternoon, on the battlefield of East Albion stood a war between man and demon. The resitance of men was led by Huw, a great hero and warrior. The demons were led by their master Jack of Blades an evil man who wore a mask that is rumored to store souls of dead heroes. Each side did not move a hair, the only thing keeping each side back was the fear of death. Huw marched toward the front of his lines and shouted "forward!" to the men. Slowly, the ranks of soldiers moved toward the demons and their master, this is exactly what Jack had planned. The demons rushed out in a battle charge screaming some sort of hellish language. When the first shields and spears hit, many died a quick death on each side. Huw ran vigorously as the opposing side, slicing open countless monsters with his fabeled sword "The Harbinger." Jack knew that the sword had great power, and that is all Jack has wanted, power. Many hours through the battle, most of the humans soldiers had been slain, and barely any demons. Huw knew that if Jack won this battle, he would be able to control Albion's vast number of supplies. With this in mind Huw could not let Jack win and rammed his sword into the ground. At the same time he mumbled words from an ancient language. When he stopped talking the ground started shaking, shaking as if the world would end. Eventually a huge crack started peeling down the line of men and demons, opening up as it traveled, sucking in anything in its path. After the wails of demons and humans passed, the only two left on the field were Jack and Huw, who was extremely weakend from his spell. Jack approached Huw, who was clinging on a rock, knowing he would die. Jack said to Huw he would spare his life if he gave him his sword, The Harbinger. Huw knew that this sword in Jack's hands would mean the end of the world, and life. Huw took his remaining saliva in his mouth and spit it on Jack's mask, and at the same time rammed his sword into the rock with the rest of his might. Jack swore up to the sky and then stabbed Huw, leaving him mortally wounded. It is said from then on, passed from tale to tale that the person who could lift Huw's sword out of the rock, would be able to defeat Jack, and have ultimate power. Although it hopefully ends up in the right hands.

THE END

Written by: Ravager_X
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 11-05-2007, 11:33 AM   #2
Negabin
Andrew Ryan in disguise
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

huh,nice.
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 11-25-2007, 07:54 PM   #3
chriskw182
Archfiend
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

i like it
gives great a background to the harbinger
rep+
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 03-29-2008, 06:14 PM   #4
O'Malley-Bomb
ZOMG!!!
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

I like it.
It was interesting.
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 07-20-2008, 11:46 AM   #5
Zquad
The Widowmaker
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Oh, touching.
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 07-20-2008, 02:03 PM   #6
projectego
Webmaster and Co-Founder
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Not bad at all.
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 07-20-2008, 03:37 PM   #7
Dr KillJoy
Dark Paladin
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Great story keep up the good work
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 08-18-2008, 03:29 AM   #8
xxrevanxx
Uber-Ninja
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Great Story, Write more!
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 08-18-2008, 05:54 AM   #9
xxrevanxx
Uber-Ninja
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Write more!
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 08-30-2008, 01:13 AM   #10
deathtomacbeth
Druid
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Pretty awesome.
Cannot picture it in the world of fable for some reason though.
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 08-30-2008, 08:04 PM   #11
Lupus
~Wanabe fantasy writer~
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

Fable and it's world (to me at least) does not seem a world that is particularly troubled by war and although im sure battles do take place in the epicness befitting such your story is to brief to properly portray that atmosphere. My advice here is with any piece of writing to revise rewrite and if deemed suitable expand upon. Another piece of advice other than that would be to break it up a bit more no one likes reading a block and if your going to lengthen it this is even more important as a slab of unbroken writing can be very daunting to a reader and quickly turn them off. This all almost seems like a trailer as the characters and there drive and reason for being there is not described in much detail and the back story of the whole thing is very brief as well. Writing a battle scene to me would be very hard and probably to most people as the shifting of action is so rapid and with thousands of men and women fighting the events unfold far from each other and with a frantic rapidity getting this through in your writeing is important the reader wants to feel the fear as the demon hurls itself large hulking form towards (lets say Huw) and the man brings his sword to meet the beast as they begin battle!

I am merely offering my advice and as everyone writes in their own style (mine being more descriptive and character driven) i'm sure you wont take much of mine into account but please do understand i am trying to help not just criticise the story has potential and should be fleshed out.
Great Work!

~Lupus~

Last edited by Lupus; 08-30-2008 at 08:07 PM. Reason: spelling of fleshed...there's probably more mistakes i've made because of hitting the wrong keys but i cba atm =D
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Re: The Final Breath (good story)
Old 09-01-2008, 12:41 AM   #12
NoObbi3
Hood
Re: The Final Breath (good story)

ahh nice story, revan why did you say write more twice lol
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