[Dark Drakan]

I was bored the other night and me and my girlfriend were sending each other blonde jokes such as these. If anyone else has any jokes please post them in here

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you
think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?". The other
blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in
the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How
can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We
were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're
going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American
looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the
sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the
Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on
or off?"

[TheBeast]

FACE RINGS A BELL

one day a priest was looking for a new bell ringer to ring the bell at his church. each time a person comes up to ring the bell the priest hands him or her the rope and say all u have to do is pull it. but in the middle of the day he hands a man the rope and says all u have to do is pull. the man shakes his head and says " no no i dont need to use that!." the priest gets confused but says "ok ring the bell." the man backs up and then runs straight at the bell. when he is close his jumps up and hits his head on it. bang! the priest looks at him with a wierd look and says uh that was good but i have more people to look at" the man replies " no wait wait" he then runs back and does it again. bang! the priest shakes his head " no no i have many more people to watch" the man said fast " wait wait let me do it again" and he ran back and did it again but this time after he hits the bell with his head he falls out the window on to the street. the priest runs down the stairs. as the priest is comeing down a crowd forms around the man. when the preist gets down to the street a woman shouts "does any one know this man?!" the priest then replies " no but his face sure rings a bell!"

[Fuzi0n]

Ahaha, dark those jokes were great, best ive heard in a while.
Usually hear the same old jokes, good to hear some new ones for a change.
Do more!

Beast, bit lengthy, but haha ace.

[Dark Drakan]

Originally Posted by Fuzi0n

Ahaha, dark those jokes were great, best ive heard in a while.
Usually hear the same old jokes, good to hear some new ones for a change.
Do more!

Beast, bit lengthy, but haha ace.

Thanks

I liked Thebeasts joke about the bell not bad (good that i havent heard it aswel) keep them coming people.

More on the way soon enough

[DrZoid]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

[Dark Drakan]

Originally Posted by DrZoid

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

not bad

[Ranger]

What do you do?
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the Pin and through it back.
FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."





A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Dark Drakan]

Thought this was good so had to post it.

E-Mail From The Dead

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....


DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

CREDIT - FUNNYVILLE & Creature Of The Night (UOW Forums)

[DrZoid]

HAHA! Thats a great one.

[Dark Drakan]

Wrong Number

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

[Seigfreid]

Irish Drinking Jokes

-A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

-Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

-Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool we'll have to **** in the boat.

[Dark Drakan]

This is meant to be from a REAL recorded convosation, would be awesome if it was!

Operator: may I help you?

Caller: Yes,well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

Operator:What sort of trouble??

Caller: Well,I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Operator: Went away?

Caller: They disappeared.

Operator:Hmm So what does your screen look like now?

Caller: Nothing.

Operator: Nothing??

Caller: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??

Caller: How do I tell?

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??

Caller: What's a sea-prompt?

Operator:Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??

Caller: What's a monitor?

Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??

Caller: I don't know.

Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??

Caller: Yes,I think so.

Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: Yes,it is.

Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??

Caller: No.

Operator: Well,there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Caller: Okay, here it is.

Operator:Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Caller: I can't reach.

Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??

Caller: No, because it's dark.

Operator: Dark??

Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.

Caller: I can't.

Operator: No? Why not??

Caller: Because there's a power failure.

Operator: A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??

Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Caller: Really? Is it that bad?

Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??

Operator: Tell them you're too ****ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Minky]

Ok,theres a white guy,a spanish guy,an asian guy and a black guy standing at the edge of a cliff.The spanish guy jumps off the cliff and says "This is for my people" the asain guy jumps off the cliff and also says "This is for my people" and the black guy pushes the white guy off the cliff and says "This is for my people!"

[Skorm's Son]

Funny

[blu phoenix]

wow! these jokes are crakin me up. hilarious. love em and keep them coming!