Jokes

FableFreak · 09-10-2006, 12:42 AM

I felt this might be a good place for this thread. Post your funniest and best material here, well it doesn't have to be your material but anything is cool. Please keep it somewhat clean. We all have an immature side so just be sure to **** out any "naughty words" and just have fun with it. Heres some of my stuff.

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming"
and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED

Poppycock · 09-10-2006, 01:08 AM

lol good one

FableFreak · 09-12-2006, 05:29 AM

Joke 1
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

Joke 2
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Spartan Champion · 09-17-2006, 02:56 AM

these are really funny jokes

Skorm's Son · 09-18-2006, 12:07 AM

There's already a thread on this...

Arckon · 09-18-2006, 01:35 AM

ya ya

FableFreak · 09-18-2006, 06:21 AM

so what. keep posting jokes if any one has a sense of humor on this website

FableFreak · 09-22-2006, 08:42 PM

Not my joke but still funny!

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'

Replied the buddy.

'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'

The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

Dark Drakan · 09-22-2006, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fablefreak1

Not my joke but still funny!

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'

Replied the buddy.

'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'

The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

not bad, not bad.

Spartan Champion · 09-23-2006, 05:39 AM

not as funny as ur first 3 though

FableFreak · 09-27-2006, 06:03 AM

Possibly the funniest joke I have heard in a while!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

FableFreak · 09-27-2006, 06:09 AM

Morbid and strange

Joke 1
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"You son of a *****" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."

FableFreak · 09-27-2006, 06:10 AM

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

FableFreak · 09-27-2006, 11:08 PM

A girl with no arms or legs is sitting on a peir in her wheelchair crying when a man walks by, the man says "Why are you crying?" she replies "Well I've never been hugged before." So he gives her a hug. He starts to walk away when she starts to cry again. He walks back and says "What wrong now?" she says to him "I've never been kissed before" so he gives her a kiss and says "Is that all?" she replies "Well, there is one thing, I've never been f*cked before." When she says this the guys picks her up and throws her into the water and says "There, now your f*cked!"

Spartan Champion · 09-28-2006, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fablefreak1

Morbid and strange

Joke 1
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"You son of a *****" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."

funny