[ahmad14]

Hay guys this is the first chapter of a story I’ve been working on for a wile.. tell me what you think.

Chapter 1
Knewmitery’s Door

“Haru get up here at once! And where is my breakfast?!” shouted Mrs.Ginns.
Mrs.Ginns is the owner of the orphanage, mid-aged, extremely fat, and greedy.
She is the ‘Take my food, or money and I will rip off your arms!!!’ She owns the orphanage and everyone in it as well. She has had many encounters with the police, and other authority fingers like that, for not feeding the orphans enough or any food at all.
“Haru did you hear me!? UP HERE WITH MY BRAECKFAST NOW!”
Haru is sort of Mrs.Ginns’s servant. He dose what ever she says because he’s afraid she’ll eat him or something. Haru is the youngest of all the orphans, and is picked on a lot for it from the bigger orphans. He’s rolling a two shelf cart with Mrs.Ginns’s breakfast on it, from the second floor two the forth.
He’s has on him a XL white T-shirt, that go’s to his knees, a long worn-out black piece of cloth from head to ankle over it, holed gloves that would do no protection to his hands if he where to get cut by glass, and nothing to where on his feet.
As he rolled the cart down the hall he wondered how to get it up two sets of stair cases, without destroying her food. He looked around him. He did not know why, he knew there was no other way. But then he noticed something that was never there before.
It was a large black door, with the most amazing designs carved into it that Haru had ever seen. He walked closer to it, and as he did he noticed that there was a shine to it. But the more he walked the farther it seemed to be soon he was running to it, with no thought to the cart he left behind. Once he reached it he noticed that the carvings seemed to be deeper than the door. He put his face so close to it that he could feel his own breath bounce off.
Then without warning, two enormous black eyes’ opened in front of his.
Then the carvings vanished and the door became a shine less black, and the door burst open hitting Haru in the face and knocking him back several feet. And a scream, with a pitch so high that it burned his ears to hears. But before he even touched the floor, a wind as strong as a hurricane started to pull him in to it. Haru quickly put out his arms and edge of the door. But the moment he touched the door, it started to burn his fingers.
Then Haru heard a sound from behind him. It was rolling. More and more and more. The all of a sudden it stopped. Haru looked up and saw that the cart full of Mrs.Ginns’s food was flying at him. Haru closed his eyes and wished this would all go away.
And then the cart hit him in the head and knocked him threw the door.
The door vanished, screaming gone, wind disappeared, and the burning blown away.
But then Haru opened his eyes and found himself falling from the sky….

[LionHeadTex]

Pretty cool from my point of view. It's an entertaining start to the fan fiction, and it has a great amount of energy to it. You also include some humor and surprises and you really need both to catch the reader's eye. The only complaint I have is that you should have a space before a paragraph to let the reader take a break, and emphasize a bit more on what's happening.

Keep it up man